I have too much hope, too much faith, and too much belief that a person can change and has learned their lesson. For this reason, I have no one to blame but myself to be in this position.. To be deceived and to be lied to.

You have stripped of the security in which was the one thing I ever asked of you. Now the damage is done and the effects are irreversible. Luckily for you, I have enough faith to give you another chance.. But my faith is growing less and less, and I do hope you have learned your lesson.

Understand that I don’t want to lose you, but if you fail to learn your lesson and taint what is the last of my hope in our fidelity, you will lose me forever. And that, is the truth.

I’m the type to suffer in solitude and in silence. During this time, I allow it to break me, shatter me, and destroy me. I’ll continue doing so until my skin can no longer be punctured. I’m building myself back up so I won’t be destroyed in this way again. I’ll exercise patience, avoid ignorance, and when better things make their way into my life, I’ll cherish them unconditionally.

I’m at a loss. After experiencing every type of emotion imaginable within a span of a couple of hours, you come to a point where you become indifferent. I think this numbness I feel is the result of a state of a shock that my body has undergone. Who knows. But now I find myself laying down and starring at the ceiling. Waiting. Not too sure for what.. I’m definitely not waiting for an emotion to arise. If any emotion were to arise, I’d probably go in panic mode and break down. So no, I think I’ll be okay with not feeling anything at all. For now anyway. Still waiting. As if some cosmic event will happen that will magically piece my life back together. It’s uncanny how one minute your life is exactly the way you want it to be, then everything falls apart in the next. Crazy how you think you know what you wanted, then next thing you know, nothing really makes sense anymore. Really goes to show how unpredictable life is. How unpredictable people are.. And feelings too. 

It’s funny how differently you get treated when someone knows you’re going through a tough time. It’s almost like, people no longer know how to act towards someone in pain. Is emotional pain the new deathly illness/disability or something? I’m not saying I’m not greatful for the effort to make me feel better, because I’m more than thankful. I just find it kind of dumb. I don’t need that attention. I don’t need to be bombarded with who/what/when/where/why’s. And I especially don’t need that cliche ‘everything is going to be okay’ type of bullshit, I’ve heard it all before in a corny Hollywood movie. Honestly, all I need is someone to just be there for me. Someone who will treat me like a fucking normal human being and listen to me when I feel the need to say something.

I don’t know what this feeling is exactly but, I feel as if my heart is yearning for something. 

I spent countless amount of time trying to find the pieces that make who I am. For the longest time I found myself lost in who I was, who I’m becoming, or who I want to be. And I’ve been frustrated by the wavering results, never being able to find the answers that would suffice the search to “find” myself. I became so obsessed with searching for a person whom I now know doesn’t even exist.. To this day, I still haven’t quite grasped the person I am, and I’m unsure if I ever will. But I no longer fear the idea of this unknown. For everyday brings new things, and those new things bring opportunities that will develop myself further into becoming someone new. Someone better. So if we’re constantly improving ourselves, how can we ever expect ourselves to find the person we are if we’re always changing. Now I finally understand, that life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself. So stop wasting your time attempting to find someone who’s not even there. Instead, aim your attempts at creating someone that is yet to be there. Create You.

My life is constructed in such a way that my heart is split in two different places. One that has the people I love, and the other that has the things I love doing. If I choose home, I’ll lose everything I’ve worked so hard for. But if I choose here, I’ll be away from the people that I need and keep me sane. When I’m in one place, I’m constantly thinking and worrying about the other. Though I’m physically here, my heart is at the other and I can never be fully at one place. It’s almost as frustrating as much as it hurts. I wish I can find a way to build a new life where I can string together all the components of which make me happy.

How much easier would it be if I could just tell my mind to shut the fuck up. Fuck.